Agreement to Terms

By visiting this website, purchasing our products, or simply thinking about chocolate, you agree to these terms. Disagreement is not an option.

Product Disclaimers

• Our chocolate may contain traces of existential dread
• Side effects include but are not limited to: improved compliance, reduced questioning of authority, and chocolate dependency
• The Executive Privilege line is not available to mere mortals
• Discontinued products remain discontinued for the safety of all parties involved
• Our "organic" certification comes from a very special organization

User Obligations

As a user of our services, you agree to:

• Maintain complete discretion about your chocolate consumption
• Not reverse-engineer our formulas (we will know if you try)
• Report any unusual dreams or visions to our research department
• Participate in our loyalty program (enrollment is automatic and permanent)
• Never question the ingredient list

Liability

Evil Chocolate Company is not responsible for:

• Addiction to our products
• Sudden urges to investigate corporate conspiracies
• Memory gaps following product consumption
• Nightmares about chocolate factories
• Spontaneous whistleblowing tendencies
• Any inconvenient truths that may be revealed

Termination of Service

We reserve the right to terminate your access to our products and services for any reason, including but not limited to:

• Asking too many questions
• Attempting to leave our customer program
• Displaying excessive curiosity about business operations
• Failing loyalty assessments
• Requesting to speak to a manager

Intellectual Property

All ideas, thoughts, and dreams relating to chocolate become our property upon consumption of our products. This includes but is not limited to revolutionary chocolate recipes, business strategies, and escape plans.

Dispute Resolution

All disputes will be resolved through our internal arbitration process. The arbitrator will be selected by Management. Their decision is final and legally binding in most dimensions.

Force Majeure

Evil Chocolate Company is not liable for delays or failures in service due to acts of God, government intervention, zombie apocalypse, chocolate shortages, employee uprisings, or revelation of corporate secrets.

← Return to Homepage